ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
