I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
