I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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