Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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