Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
