My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
this hospital has no fireball
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
