he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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