BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
