Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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