So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
