I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
