I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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