Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
