who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
