my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
