I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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