Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
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