i love accidental penises.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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