i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
