Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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