I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
