How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you didnt know i had herpes?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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