Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
