apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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