Jerry, you need to find god
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
