her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
