just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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