Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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