K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
