8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
