You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
