at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
