go do what you do best...puke behind churches
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
