I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
