o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
