I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
