maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Even the bartender felt bad for me
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
