guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
