So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
