I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
