Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
