just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
handjob tips. give me some.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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