fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
