is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
