ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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