70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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