and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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