Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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