Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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