what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
