My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
